Sometimes, The Late Show with Stephen Colbert’s (LSSC)
segment, "MEANWHILE", has important news that y’all can use.
News like ol’ folks conserve all of their oxygen, when not to call the police, knowing what songs not to dance to when you’re famous, and how to celebrate your 60th birthday.
All of these are important stories that at least one person will get some use out of.
Take, for example, the “ol’ folks conserving all of their oxygen” story. That story was about Mitt Romney becoming 72-years young. Romney’s staff made a birthday cake out of his favorite food, Twinkies.
Romney didn’t do what the 17-year-old Romney would’ve have done, which is to lean over the table and blow out all of the Twinkie birthday cake candles.
Romney did what the ol’ Romney suppose to do which is to conserve his wind. And he
conserved his wind by blowing out each candle individually.
A young 54-year-old man like Stephen Colbert, who doesn’t have to worry about conserving his wind, thought it was funny that a 72-year-old Romney blew out each candle individually.
“Everything he does is like an alien google how to do a normal. ‘Do I blow out the flaming wax cylinder with air flow or am I to ingest them into the mouth region? Either way, fun,’”
But you see here folks, what Colbert doesn’t understand is that Romney is ol’ and he can’t run like Colbert does every night onto the LSSC’s stage.
Heck, Romney can barely wake up in the morning without worrying about whether he has broken a bone or two.
Romney has to be careful with that body that he has placed 72-years on. It’s no longer young. And therefore, it can’t go like it use to. Ol’ folks know this! That’s why just like Mitt Romney, so many ol’ folks try to conserve as much of their wind as they can. Because once that wind is gone, they are gone on to the Upper or Lower Room.
One person who may have an express ticket to the Lower Room is a woman over in Germany who lied to the police about a murder being committed just so she could get them to move a car from in front of her garage.
Colbert cracked on the woman, “Did I say murder on der phone? I meant car. Oops…If you excuse me, I have to go bury… an Audi.”
Yeah, this woman is definitely the Jussie Smollet of Germany. She doesn’t understand that the police’s job is not to participate in whatever sick game she got going on. And like Smollet, she will be charged with a crime relating to her wasting the police’s time.
Speaking of wasting time, New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio wasted his time by going to the one church in South Carolina that still plays R. Kelly’s song, “I Believe I Can Fly.”
De Blasio was standing off to the side, next to the choir, when the choir began singing, “I Believe I Can Fly.”
The mayor of the Big Apple joined in, flopping his arms two times before he realized, “Uh-oh, that’s R. Kelly’s song!”
Recognizing that de Blasio may have just clipped his own wings, grounding his presidential campaign, the mayor’s press team decided it’ll be best if they shoot off a quick explanation.
“The Mayor wasn’t the church’s DJ, and he certainly can’t be expected to recognize every R. Kelly track. Thanks,” is what the press team told the New York Daily News.
The only problem with all of that is when you’re a famous politician you have to make it your business to know the songs of a famous “child predator” so you won’t make the mistake of becoming a meme that all the other candidates use in order to kill your dreams of becoming the next resident at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
One famous person, or doll in this case, who doesn’t have to worry about being a meme for all the wrong reasons is Barbie.
Barbie turned 60 and she looks just as good as she did when she was 25. “I hate to be catty but it looks to me like she’s had some work done, just pump the breaks girl. No one has that much neck,”
Barbie’s secret to looking like she did some 35-years ago is to eat right, exercise daily, drink plenty of water, and get plenty of plastic surgery.
Mattel showed their appreciation for the 60-years of work that Barbie has put in for them by booking a suite at the Hilton Hotel and turning it into Barbie Girl’s dream world. The room has a pink pool and a Cabana.
And for those of y’all who want the full Barbie experience, welp, I’ll just let ol’ Colbert tell y’all how to get that one:
"You want the full Barbie experience, the hotel will also provide a dude with no genitals."
Hahaha, that was funny!