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Roasted marshmallow over a volcano fella
said he was just playing
by Nathan'ette Burdine: June 1, 2018

Jay Furr is the name of the fella who decided to ask the USGS if it would be ok for him to roast marshmallows over the volcano.

For those of y’all who haven’t seen the tweet, here’s what ol’ Furr said, “is it safe to roast marshmallows over volcanic vents? Assuming you had a long enough stick, that is? Or would the resulting marshmallows be poisonous?”

I believe two things happened after somebody sitting at a desk with a computer in front of him or her saw that tweet.

The first thing that happened is somebody yelled out really, really, really loud, “What the fuck?! Who is this stupid muthafucka asking us about roasting marshmallows over a volcano?! The answer is obvious! It’s a volcano you dumb, stupid, son-of-a-bitch!”

The second thing that happened is somebody figured out this is just someone who wants attention.

Everybody then came together and decided that it is best to just go ahead and answer the question because if folks are dumb enough to play golf with towering volcanic ashes hoovering above them and lava flowing all around them, then there are plenty of folks who are dumb enough to think they can make s’mores over an erupting volcano campfire.

So as to be expected, the USGS folks tweeted back to Furr that roasting s’mores over an erupting volcano campfire wouldn’t be so good.

This is what the USGS folks tweeted , “Erm…we’re going to have to say no, that’s not safe. (Please don’t try!).” Now, folks would think that this tweet would end here at “(Please don’t try!).”

But, unh-unh. The tweeter recognized that he should keep tweeting. So he did! Here it is , “If the vent is emitting a lot of SO2 or H2S, they would taste BAD. And if you add sulfuric acid (in vog, for example) to sugar, you get a pretty spectacular reaction.”

Translation: That shit will fuck you up so leave it alone. Mm-hmm. After Furr’s silliness got him attention from Time Magazine, The Hill, and other national media outlets, Furr decided to tell folks that his brains aren’t as cooked as his tweet to the USGS suggested.

Here’s what ol’ Furr said, “I have a stupid sense of humor, especially when I’m bored. But I usually don’t make the national news as a result. Usually. Parenthetically, I do know better.”

I know what y’all are thinking, “I’m gonna talk about Furr worse than they talked about the child of God.”

But no, I will refrain from doing such a thing. I believe Furr when he says he does “know better” to not roast marshmallows over a volcanic campfire.

I think Furr probably spent too much time with either Jack, Daniel, ol’ Wild Turkey there, or ol’ girl Mary Jane there and just said to himself, “Let me tweet some strange things.”

The good thing about all of this is that Furr has saved some lives by tweeting out a question that plenty of fools were wondering about and were going to do but decided not to do after reading the USGS’ response to Furr.

Y’all know I’m telling the truth! I guarantee y’all there is some certifiable fool, sitting on his couch right now, reading Furr’s tweet and saying, “Hm, baby we better not take the kids to that volcano campfire trip to roast them mallows over that volcano there. The peoples say that shit will fuck you up.”

And the woman, of course, replies with, “Ok! KIDS, get your things! We going to the beach to play with jaws instead!”

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