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Larry David on a Couch;

Larry David Curb Your Enthusiasm GIPHY



Things don't turn out too hot for
Larry David in the Curb Your
Enthusiasm season opener
by Nathan'ette Burdine: October 24, 2017
 


The series’ opener begins with Larry David (LD) in the shower singing. At first glance, it looks like little to do about nothing.

LD is happy, singing, grabbing the shampoo to wash the little bit of hair he has. What could this scene possibly foretell?!

But anybody who knows anything about ol’ LD there knows that the smallest of things, like no shampoo to wash the little bit of hair he has, are mere signs of bigger problems to come.

You know, problems like a groom who thinks she should be a bride, an absentee employee, Susie, and fatwa.

Yeah, problems like those. Unfortunately for LD, he makes his problems worse. Take Betty for instance.

Betty is a groom who thinks she is a bride. LD first comes in contact with Betty at his office building.

On his way up to his office, LD runs into Betty who is dressed in blue jeans, a vest, and a tie. She’s also wearing tennis shows. And then there’s Betty’s short hair-cut, which adds to LD’s confusion about who she is.

LD tells Betty:
    “Ye-ah. I just didn’t think you were the type who would want a guy
      to hold the door open for her…You know, you’re a type. You have
      short hair. You have a tie. You have a vest. It’s a look…Type +
      Distance=No door hold.”

And he’s right. At first glance, Betty looks like someone who would hold the door open for a woman, not a woman who would want the door held open for her.

Betty, though, doesn’t see things this way. She is a woman. And like any traditional woman, Betty would like for a man to be traditional and hold the door open for her.

It’s just hard to do when a woman doesn’t look like a woman. Now, now, now, don’t go fussing at me because I agree with LD’s Type + Distance equation. Hell, if y’all saw Betty, y’all will be confused too.

The right thing to do is to apologize and behave differently; which LD does after he runs into her again at his main man/manager’s office, Jeff. LD stopped by Jeff’s to talk about the new play, Fatwa.

It’s a parody play about Salman Rushdie who was targeted for death because of his critique of the Ayatollah.

Jeff tells LD that the play is getting good reviews and several producers will like to come on board.

Susie comes in and rains on everybody’s parade. She tells LD about his Fatwa play, “This a stupid fucking idea. People don’t want to see that. They want uplifting. They want fun.”

LD tells her she doesn’t know what she’s talking about and that his Fatwa play is “a good idea.”

While having his little back ‘n’ forth with Susie, Betty walks in. It turns out she’s Jeff’s barber. Yep, Betty is a barber.

The good news is that LD and Betty make amends long enough for her to agree to cut his hair. The bad news is that LD ends up paying twice as much as Jeff when he does get his hair cut, $75 more to be exact. Payback, it comes in many forms.

But as interesting as Betty was, she didn’t come close to LD’s second problem, constipated/foisted girl.

After chatting it up with Jeff, LD went back to his office where his secretary decided to show up after being off work for two weeks.

LD asked the woman why she took such a long, unauthorized vacation. And she responded that she was constipated.

That’s right. The woman didn’t go to work because she couldn’t shit. And to top it off, she walked into the office with a cane, humped over a little, demonstrating that she had so much back-up that she could barely stand and walk up-right. Just a nasty woman, I tell you.

Needless to say, LD wasn’t happy that this woman was using a condition that ex-lax could’ve cured as an excuse to not go to work.

LD said to the woman:
    “You don’t come to work for two days because you were
      constipated?! The whole world is out there constipated. Half the
      population is constipated. I got married constipated. People do
      things constipated.”

The woman tells LD that she can’t work “well with a feeling of heaviness.” She then tells him about Richard Lewis’ dead parrot, which LD shows little interest in.

LD’s eh response leads to a back ‘n’ forth between he and constipated girl. Constipated girl tells LD he should send flowers and go to the parrot’s memorial service. LD, of course, says flowers and paying respect is reserve for humans, not a parrot. So, LD sends a text instead.

Constipated girl walks away in disgust, back to her desk with her cane and heavy load to complete the two weeks of work her constipation prevented her from doing.

LD tells Leon about his situation and that Jimmy Kimmel recommended her to him.

And it is at this point that Leon lets LD know that Kimmel foisted him. Leon says to LD, “Fucking Jimmy Kimmel foisted that bitch on you. He couldn’t fire her either. So he passed that ass onto you. Don’t you ever allow yourself to get foisted…Think of someone you can unload this lumpy bitch onto. You have to get rid of this bitch.”

Luckily for LD, he gets his chance to “unload” the “load” of foisted girl after he sees Susie at his ex-wife Cheryl’s event for her new organization, People Against Mutilation (PAM).

PAM is an organization that sheds light on the mutilation of the clitoris. Cheryl tells LD, “-there are very few charities that actually focus on the clitoris and talk about it.”

Now, to be fair to Cheryl, female mutilation is a big concern. For some weird reason, folks in third world countries think that by cutting off the clitoris then they can decrease a woman’s sexual desires. Yeah, those folks know nothing about hormones.

Like many folks, LD is unaware of the twisted thinking those third world folks have about the clitoris and tells Cheryl that folks are focus on the clitoris; but in a good way.

LD says to Cheryl, “I think you got half the population focused on the clitoris. I’m definitely focused on the clitoris.”

While LD is chit-chatting it up with Cheryl about the importance of the clitoris, Ted pops up with some news of his own.

Ted tells them he and Mary are separated and are close to finalizing their divorce. However, LD’s attention is taken away from Ted and his juicy news as soon as he spots Richard Lewis.

LD goes and tells Lewis about the good news associated with his Fatwa play. Lewis, though, doesn’t care because LD failed to show any compassion for him after his parrot went on to glory.

Lewis said to LD, “I don’t care about your fucking play because my bird died and you sent the most ridiculous despicable text: Sorry about your bird the good news is I’m still alive.”

Now, to be fair to LD, it was a parrot that died and not a parent who died. Folks should show up to a human’s funeral, but pets, weeelll, a text will do.

Lewis and die heart pet lovers don’t agree with me or LD. They see their pets as an extension of their family and the least a friend can do is show his support for his friend by showing up to the services.

But like I said, it’s a pet and not a human. Soooo, yeah. Lewis scolded LD and told him that he “loved” his bird and that his bird “knew” and “loved” LD and liked his show Seinfeld.

However, this did not persuade LD to show any sympathy for the dead parrot beyond what he had already showed.

Recognizing that LD wasn’t going to change his mind and heart about his dead bird, Lewis said to his friend, “You’re devoid of anything that’s remotely caring or empathetic. And it’s sad.”

“Sad,” LD is. Not because of the parrot, but because he thinks only of himself. Case in point, the foisting of constipated girl onto Susie.

Sure, Susie breaks his balls. But hey, she does it because she loves him. She wouldn’t aggravate ol’ LD so if she didn’t care about him.

And LD knows this. That’s why he actively engages in all the whoshawjohn Susie keeps up with him.

LD sees Susie outside of the event, stops her and tells her about his problem. His problem being constipated girl.

Susie says to LD, “You need to hire a new assistant in New York and let me take this on.”

LD agrees and Susie tells him that “a weight has been lifted off my shoulders Lar.”  And LD happily responds with, “Me too. Pretty good! Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty good!”

You know that old saying, “Karma is a bitch.” Welp, that’s what happens to LD, Karma.

LD fires constipated girl and hires Leon, who told him to fire constipated girl, as his new assistant.

Y’all know how this ends. Leon is the worst assistant ever. He doesn’t know how to transfer calls. He doesn’t remember important information and he does what he wants to do.

Leon’s ineptness reaches a tipping point when he forgets to tell LD that Jeff called, warning him not to go on the Jimmy Kimmel show and crack on the Ayatollah because it could lead to a fatwa.

By the way, Kimmel admitted to foisting constipated girl onto LD. There’s just no shame, I tell you. No shame at all. At any hoo, LD went on Kimmel’s show and cracked on the Ayatollah.

The Ayatollah got wind of this and called for LD to be fatwa. The whole thing was “Breaking News,” which MSNBC’s Lawrence O’Donnell broke.

The Ayatollah said about LD, “So I call on (inaudible) Muslims, wherever they may be, to kill Larry David without delay. Even if Larry David repents, he will be condemned to death. Even if Larry David converts to Islam, he should still be sent to Hell.”

Yep, it’s that bad. Before I forget, Susie cursed out foisted girl and fired her because she is a “complete fuck up.”

Jeff decided the best thing LD could do was to go to one of our finest agencies, the FBI, to get some help.

The FBI agent told LD he had nothing to worry about and that he would be safe. Yeah, that’s what he said.

Unfortunately for poor ol’ LD, not only is his life in jeopardy but his Fatwa play is now dead on arrival, no pun intended.

Jeff tells him there’s no producer who will work with him and that Kimmel, the same man who foisted constipated girl onto LD, won’t let him back on his show to apologize to the Ayatollah.

Recognizing that he is a wanted man, LD breaks out the “Buck Dancer” hobo look to hide himself while in public.

He first shows Buck Dancer while in a restaurant. Lewis spots LD and rightfully so begins to laugh.

He asked LD why he is dressed like a hobo and LD tells him it’s because of this whole fatwa business. Thinking Karma, well, you’ll be right.

Lewis laughs at LD and says, “Well you know what the good news is, I’m still alive. You know, you’re a comedian. You should be able to take a joke.”

LD accuses Lewis of trying to get back at him because he wouldn’t go to his dead bird’s funeral.

Still mad as hell over LD’s refusal to attend the bird’s funeral services, Lewis angrily tells LD that there is “nothing” and he means “nothing” that will “compare” to his precious bird.

As the two are talking about a dead bird and fatwa, Betty’s girl, Numa, comes in cursing up storm, looking for LD.

Numa, who looks like a bride, is not too happy that LD was able to successfully convince Betty that her short hair-cut, sneakers, blue jeans, vest, tie, and barber profession automatically made her the groom.

Numa said, “Where are you Larry David. Larry David I’ma fucking kill you.” Welp, she didn’t get a chance to “fucking kill” LD on that day because he was able to successfully duck under the table and crawl out of the restaurant.

After escaping Numan’s fury, LD made it back home where he went and took a shower.

While showering, he got an unexpected visitor, Susie. As he is opening the shower door, LD stutters out “fatwa.” And Susie responds, “No cock sucker, FOISTED,” and then punches LD in the face.




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