This is a satirical take on Ving Rhames's story about what happened when his
neighbor called the police on him.
Some man or woman in a really nice neighborhood over in Santa Monica, California, denies calling the peoples and the people’s dog on a large black man name Ving Rhames.
At least, that’s what the large black man name Ving Rhames told the folks on Sirius XM’s Clay Cane Show.
Here’s how it all happened. Rhames was just chillbreezin,' walking around with nothing covering his birthday suit but his basketball shorts.
He had gone into the kitchen, opened the refrigerator to see if that boy had ate all of that pizza. Turns out, he didn’t. Rhames got the pizza, put it in the microwave, and warmed it up. He put it on for about 40 minutes because he didn’t want the cheese sticking to the wax paper.
While the pizza was taking 40 miinutes to warm up, Rhames decided he’d do something ol’ school. So, he went outside to pick up the paper.
His ol’ lady usually gets it but she was out at the grocery store. They needed some more milk, cookies, and toilet paper and other stuff.
Rhames knew his ol’ lady would be gone for a while because she usually stops by Shirley to talk about what’s going on.
Shirley ain’t got no iphone. Shirley ain’t got no internet. As a matter of fact, Shirley ain’t got no technology of any kind.
She communicates with folks the way they use to back in the 90s. Shirley talks to folks she sees at the grocery store, on the corner, at Ms. Coraren’s Beauty Salon, and on her land base phone.
Then there are those folks who just stop by to tell Shirley the news. Shirley let you know, “Honey, I don’t use the Twitter, Facebooker, YouTuber, Instagrammer, or anything else they got out there. The gov’ment always trying to find new ways to keep a tab on folks. They ain’t tabbing me, honey.” That’s Shirley.
She don’t want you to know her business, but she knows your business. And Rhames ol’ lady was over at Shirley’s getting everybody’s business; which takes about two to three hours to get.
So, he had sometime in the house to himself before he had to put on some real clothes.
While Rhames was outside getting the paper, he didn’t see the neighbor who was standing there, behind some bushes, peeping out, looking.
Rhames went on back in the house, got his pizza, sat down, and watched Angel on My Shoulder.
Rhames was just about to bite into his pizza when all of a sudden, he hears a knock at the door.
“Man, who is that bamming on my door? These muthfuckas better
be the po’ po. AW SHIT, it is the po’ po!’ God-damn, I ain’t got
time to put on no clothes.”
"HANDS UP! GET ON THE GROUND!"
"What’s going on officers?"
"Somebody called us and told us they saw a large black man in his
drawers, getting the newspaper. And you are a large black man,
in your drawers, with a newspaper, and a piece of pizza on the
table. What kind of pizza is that? Did you get that from Papa
don’t eat no god-damn Papa John's pizza. I got that from Pizza Hut."
"What kind of pizza is this? Meat lover? You look like a meat
lover. You got any drugs in here?"
"Man, I don’t have any drugs."
"No Percocet, oxycodone, nothing?"
"Naw man, what the hell y’all want with me?!"
"Well, do you know where I can get some Percocet, oxycodone, or
some cheap Viagra?"
"Man, I can’t help you out with that. I don’t have those types of
"What you trying to say?"
Save by the bell. The chief comes walking through door. He recognizes Rhames and tells his men, women, and the dog to stand down. The chief helps Rhames up.
"I’m so sorry V man. You have to excuse Officer Penlittle. He gets
a little excited."
"I see that."
"One of your neighbors called and said they saw a large black man
breaking into the house."
"Man, I’ve been living here for over 5 years. I know everybody."
"Well, yeah, you know some folks."
"It was the fella across the street I think."
Rhames, an officer not name Penlittle, and the police dog went across the street. They knocked on the door and asked the neighbor if he called the po’ po’
on the large black man name Ving Rhames who's been living across the street
for five years.
"Hey, what’s going on guys?"
"Did you call the police on me?"
"What's that buddy? Wait a minute. I didn't hear what you said
Will you please repeat the question?"
call the police on me? Man, I've been living here for over
five years. You wave at me sometimes."
I do! Yes, I do!"
"So, why did you call the
people's on me?"
"I didn't call any peoples.
I didn't call anyone. I don’t know anyone.
I don't know any police officers. I don't know any
peoples. So why would I call one on you?"
The neighbor then closed the door, shut the blinds, turned off all of the lights, and turned the sprinklers on them.
Rhames, the officer not name Penlittle, and the police dog all hauled tailed away from there.