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Comedian Pat McGann Stephen Colbert

Pat McGann The Late Show with Stephen Colbert YouTube Screenshot               

Pat McGann had the audience rolling
on The Late Show with Stephen
by Nathan'ette Burdine: November 9, 2017

Comedian Pat McGann had the audience rolling, last night, on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert.

McGann, who’s married with children, let folks know how parenthood really is. And how it really is is like the hood, the “Bebe Kids” hood. Y’all remember “Bebe Kids?” “We don’t die. We multiply.” Yeah, like that.

McGann’s little ones are all younger than four. McGann told folks that his days are spent “wiping ass,” wishing he was in his twenties again, spending “whiles,” and waiting for his wife to come home. “75% of the asses I wipe aren’t mine,” McGann told folks.

Yep, wiping ass and cleaning spider man drawers that have turned into shitty man drawers are what you do when you become a parent.

Other things folks do whenever they end up in the family way is think about the good days when it was just them.

McGann told the single folks who were looking at him with a huh look:
    “I get it. Some of you don’t have kids, just pay attention anyway.
    I’m from the future…I can’t even talk about my 20s at home. I met
    my wife when I was 31. Sometimes, she’ll ask me, ‘What were you
    doing in your 20s?’ I’m just like ‘nothing. I was looking for you. I
    thought you were in Mexico one weekend.’”

Being married with children will do that to a human being. It makes you forget that you are you.

You become a different person, searching for that other person to only realize every day that that other person is never coming back again.

The wife and kids vanquished him. He’s now off in another time and space that you just can’t occupy.

The wife and kids, though, don’t care. They have stuff to do and you better be a part of the stuff they have to do.

McGann talked about the stuff his kids had to do and how he suggested they just cut out some of this stuff.

His wife, however, said no to that idea. McGann told folks that if he had it his way, he’d have a test for things like gymnastics to see if a parent should really be bothered with taking their child to practice for something she/he most likely won’t be in a year later.

McGann told the audience:
    “No, we should probably cancel some stuff. Start with gymnastics
    that doesn’t run in our family…They should bring the parents in the
    room and test the gene pool. Let’s go dad, touch your toes. Hey,
    you can’t do that. Mom, cartwheel. No, alright we can’t accept your

McGann said that he doesn’t understand why he has to do things like help his daughter get dress for ballet.

I mean, she is a little human. Tiger cubs are walking within hours of popping out of the womb. Human babies, not so much. They don’t start walking until about 7 or 8 months later, depending upon how advance they are.

And when it comes to something like putting on clothes, they really don’t get a good hold of that until they’re in middle class.

Humans, we’re so advanced. As for McGann and his kid, he joked that his daughter not being able to dress herself for ballet “is a sign she’s not ready for the performing arts…Maybe I should bring her to how to get dress and then I’ll drop her off at listening.”

McGann’s daughter is still in that toddler phase and they tend to hear what they want to hear and do what they want to do.

They’re like mini adults without the responsibility or any knowledge about how life works.

McGann told folks that his little girl is such a boss lady that whenever he tells her it’s time to get out of the tub she tells him she is staying in the tub “for a couple of whiles.”

McGann said that it’s so bad that he has started “speaking their language.” And that’s not even the worse of it. Poor ol’ McGann there says he doesn’t even understand the language the little ones have him speaking.

McGann said, “I’m standing there realizing I don’t even know how long a couple of whiles is. So I just wait a while, twice.”

And those “whiles” can be long, especially when waiting for mama to come home. McGann told folks that the children will look at him, every second on the second, and ask him when is their mama coming home.

McGann, being the funny man he is, tells the children, “I don’t know. I don’t know. How about this, when I start paying attention to you, she’s close. When I put my phone on the counter, she’s in the driveway.”

Moms, they always make it home in a “whiles.”

Y’all can check out the video below of McGann telling jokes about his family.

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