Comedian Daniel Simonsen stopped by The Late Show with Stephen Colbert (LSSC)
to spread a little joy on Monday night to the LSSC
audience that had that Monday night feel.
This isn’t to say that folks in the audience didn’t like listening to Stephen Colbert or his guests, Jake Gyllenhaal and Marianne Williamson, in between the five minute naps that folks kept taking during the show. It’s just that neither Colbert, Gyllenhaal, or Williamson could get the audience out of their Monday Night funk like Simonsen did.
Simonsen managed to turn the Monday Night audience into a Friday night audience just by stepping on the stage and opening up his mouth:
“I always ask them to mention I’m Norwegian up top, or as people
doubt I’m a real person because nobody speaks English this way.
I don’t even know why I sound like this, myself. I just started to
talk and this is how it came out. Immediately, I was like,
something is wrong.'”
But, nothing was wrong. Everything was all right because Simonsen had brought the funny to light up everybody’s night. He went on to tell crack jokes about the LSSC's
dressing room where they have a hall of mirrors. Every time you turn around, you see yourself turning around. “Where ever I turned my head there was a mirror, you know. You could look at your own doubt,” is what Simonsen told everybody.
Just stop and think about that for a moment. Every time you turn around, you see yourself turning around. Would y’all want to be in a green room that’s really a mirror room? You go from thinking you’re doing a bit on LSSC
to thinking you’re an extra in a re-make of Poltergeist III
and that at any moment now Tangina and Rev. Kane will show up telling you, “Take my hand child.”
Simonsen wouldn’t take Tangina or Rev. Kane’s hand. And it’s not because he’d be scared of them, knowing that he’s looking at two humans walk through mirrors. It’s just that Simonsen is a shy fella who tends to get nervous whenever he’s attending dinners that have people and children.
“Did you know you could ruin a dinner by not saying anything? I do
that on a regular basis. There’s a certain amount of time you can
be quiet around people before they freak out. I go way beyond
that. I’m just there on the side, like a lamp. But I try to be a part
of the group. So every now and then I’ll say, really just to show
them I’m alive…They (children) can really embarrass you because
if I’m weird and nervous socially, the grown-ups just let it slide.
But a child he says out loud exactly what this is. ‘Why was your
hand shaking when you reach for the cheese?’”
Those children, I tell ya. They are notorious for standing there with one finger in their littles noses and the other digging cheese out of their little hides, all the while examining you like you’re an odd specimen that nobody else knows about.
I’ve had that experience. Y’all have had that experience. And we don’t say anything because they are freshmen in life and we don’t want to hurt their little feelings. But all the while we’re sitting there thinking, “This little booger digging, drawers picking got the nerve to study me like I’m a cockroach and he ain’t gonna amount to nothing, just like his sorry pappy.”
We can’t say that, though, because they are children. There’s still hope that one day they’ll grow and be better than their pappies by doing something that’ll make them our future.
Simonsen recognizes this. That’s why he just tell the little humans, “Wow, thanks a lot dude. You know this is going to bother me the rest of my life. I’m never gonna recover from this.”
The crowd rolled over laughing, tears streaming out their eyes, and them holding their sides because it was so funny and true all at the same time.
LSSC Screenshot Youtube
Those little humans, I tell ya. They're no different than the big humans who make them. As a matter of fact, it’s the big humans who make the little humans behave the way they do. Take social gatherings like dinners and barbeques that Simonsen joked about:
“But I noticed it’s a lot harder to be quiet at a dinner than a
barbeque. The problem at a dinner is you’re always sitting in the
same spot. So, it’s so obvious you’re not talking. But at a
barbeque, you’re out in the open. People are standing in groups.
So you cannot walk over to this group and be quiet over there.
And then just when they get suspicious of you, you change
location. And you can ruin this conversation instead. But right
before they find out you’re shy, you say,
People are a trip, now. Y’all can see Daniel Simonsen at the Comedy Cellar, this Thursday. The Comedy Cellar’s address is 117 Macdougal Street, New York City, New York 10012. Just in case y’all want to call before heading down there, the phone number is (212) 254-3480.