There’s a child in the White House. And like all children, his feelings are easily hurt.
He doesn’t like for people to tell him he’s been a bad boy. He doesn’t want to be told who he can be friends with and who he can play with.
He wants to say what he wants. He wants to do what he wants. He wants to go when he wants to and come as he pleases.
He doesn’t like rules because rules keep him from playing king in the little fantasy world that he has created.
So whenever somebody burst his little bubble, he lets them know about it. Enter, Director of National Intelligence Dan Coats.
Coats is older than the child in the White House and he’s been around politics, Washington D.C., longer than the little ol’ fella in the bubble.
So when Director Coats was told that the little ol’ fella in the bubble had gotten himself a hold of one of his digital toys and tweeted out that he had scheduled another play date with his buddy Vladimir “Poochie Pooh The Election Stealer” Putin, Coats responded like any adult who is in charge of a child would.
Here Coats is, off on business at a security summit in Aspen Colorado.
While he’s working, he learns from the lady, Andrea Mitchell, interviewing him that the child in the White House has gotten away from his babysitters, gotten on the Twitter, and scheduled another playdate with Poochie Pooh The Election Stealer.
Coats batted his eyes, quickly looked over at Mitchell and said, “Say what again.”
The child in the White House threw a temper tantrum after hearing about that.
Just to show who was in charge in his little bubble, the little ol’ fella got back on the Twitter.
He tweeted about everything from the FBI not being nice to him, the NFL players not kneeling to their bubble king when he tells them to, to picking fights with Rouhani.
Seeing that he was out of control, Coats did the only thing he could do. He went to the little ol’ fella’s room, sat down on the bed, and apologized for hurting his little feelings and making him cry.
“Hey there sport. How are you doing? They told me you were a
“You were a total meany face. You picked at me while sitting there
with that mean lady from the fake news where pancake Mika and
SpongeBob square pants head Joe are at.”
“I’m sorry buddy. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.”
“Well, you know you aren’t suppose to tweet.”
“All of my friends are on Twitter. Putin is on Twitter and he really
likes me. He lets me play with his nukes and tanks.”
“I know buddy. But what did we say about Putin.”
“He’s not bad. He’s my friend. And you just don’t like him because
he likes me.”
“We’ve talked about this buddy. Putin is bad. He plays like he’s
your friend so he can come in your house and take everything.”
“THAT’S NOT TRUE! YOU’RE A LIAR! HE LIKES ME AND I LIKE HIM!
HE’LL NEVER TAKE ANYTHING FROM ME! HE’S MY BESTIEST OF
“Ok buddy. (Silence)-I tell you what. What if I bring you a
cheeseburger, a diet-coke with ice cream and a cherry on top. And
then I’ll go out and apologize to you in front of the world. Will
that make you feel better.”
(Nodding his head)-“Mm-hmm.”
“Will you stop talking to Putin for a while?”
(Nodding his head)-“Mm-hmm.”
“Ok buddy. I’ll go and get that burger, drink, and apology for you.”
Coats called down to the White House kitchen and told the top chef to personally make the cheeseburger and to fix the ice cream diet-coke with the cherry on top.
He then went to meet with John Kelly and Sarah Sanders. They got an apology letter written and sent over to Melania Trump for approval.
It usually take Melania about 20 minutes to approve such things so Coats decided that he’ll just get up, go back down to the White House kitchen to check and see if the food and drink were ready.
The chef told Coats it would be about 10 more minutes. Coats told him ok and that he’d just wait.
As he was waiting for the food, Stephen Miller came down and told him that Melania Trump had just finished the letter.
Coats turned the chef and said he’d be back soon. Coats then got up and then went up to Melania Trump’s office.
As Melania Trump always does, she didn’t communicate directly with Coats or any of the other grown-ups in the White House.
She instead sent her 20-year-old personal assistant to hand the letter over to Coats.
After getting the letter, Coats took it to Kelly and Sanders who then sent a copy over to the three major networks.
A young chef from the kitchen came up and told Coats the food was ready. “Just in time,” Coats said.
Coats got the food, took it up to the Presidential suite, and handed it to the child.
Coats sat on the side of the bed, got the remote, turned it to CNN, and he and the little ol’ fella watched as Brooke Baldwin read Coats’ apology to the little ol’ fella: “Some press coverage has mischaracterized my intentions in responding to breaking news presented to me during a live interview. My admittedly awkward response was in no way meant to be disrespectful or criticize the actions of the president.”
Coats rubbed the little ol’ fella’s head, smiled at him, and asked, “Does that make it better?”
While drinking his ice cream diet-coke float with the cherry on top, the little ol’ fella simply nodded yes in response.