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Larry David as the hobo Buck Dancer;

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Larry David gets himself into a pickle
by Nathan'ette Burdine: October 24, 2017
 


Larry David has gotten himself into a pickle so with this whole fatwa business that it’s negatively affecting all aspects of his life.

He’s hiding out at hotels and disguising himself as a hobo named Buck Dancer. LD is seeing and hearing stuff that isn’t there. He’s also started up again his relationship with Shara, who is the anti-Semantic owner of the Palestinian Fried Chicken Restaurant.

We first see LD sitting in a hotel room where he is hiding out from the fatwa hit squad and writing a letter to the Ayatollah.

There’s a knock at the door. LD looks up as if this is it, but his nerves are soon calmed when Leon lets him know it is he and Jeff.

Leon doesn’t help, though. As soon as he enters the room, he makes the situation worse.

Leon tells LD:
    “The bottom line is this here Larry. You can’t fucking hide here.
     These muthafuckas want you. They’re gonna come and get you.
     Cut your fucking hands off. Cut your feet off. Put your feet in your
     back pockets. Put your hands in your front pockets. They carry
     your ass out of here like a piece of fucking luggage.”

Jeff quickly interjects because he sees where this is headed, which is LD living at the hotel for too long a time.

Jeff tells LD not to pay Leon any never mind and to pick himself up and go home:
    “You don’t need this shit. You go to your house. No one’s coming.
     I talked to the FBI guy. He’s not gonna lie.”

As we all know, the  FBI is not immune to lies. In fact, the FBI really stands for  “Falsifying Bullshit Intentionally.”

That’s how they get you. So, putting your faith in the FBI is like putting your faith in the shepherd for the devil.

It’s not going to go anywhere but down. LD knows this. That’s why he’s hiding out in the hotel, taking his chances on a letter to the Ayatollah; which he doesn’t send.

Jeff does, however, manage to get LD up and moving. Jeff tells LD, “Get back to your life. Get back on the horse, now.”

LD agrees, gathers his stuff, and puts on his disguise as Buck Dancer and heads out to the elevator.

 Personally, I think LD really wanted to go home. He was just waiting for someone to give him the extra oomph he needed in order to get up and go home.

While waiting on the elevator, LD runs into a woman of the night whom he gives some valuable advice.

LD tells the woman that the fishnet, stereotypical look of a hooker does not work and that she should dress better if she wants to get more customers and money.

LD says to the woman, “Why this outfit? It seems that women in your profession they dress like this for some reason. Why not look wholesome? Why double-down on the seediness?”

The woman is hesitant at first. She is, after all, a professional hooker. LD is, well, disguise as a hobo named Buck Dancer.

And what does a hobo named Buck Dancer know? He couldn’t even afford the fishnet version of the woman.

The woman says to LD, “I’m a hooker.” In other words, she should look the part, as a hooker. Being the persistent man he is, LD tells the woman that she should really consider a change.

He promises her that if she heads down to Saks Fifth Avenue and invest in one dress than half-way through the year her “closet will be packed with dresses like that.”

The woman gives in to LD’s persistence and tells him she’ll “put the tits away-no more hooker boots, fishnets out of here. I think I can do this.”

After giving career advice to the woman of the night, LD heads over to the Clerk to checkout.

The clerk asked LD normal questions like how was your stay and do you have any suggestions to help us improve our services.

LD tells the clerk not to tuck the sheets in too tight because “it’s absolutely suffocating.”

The clerk tells LD he’ll take his suggestion into consideration and then directs him towards the cookie table, where things get interesting.

LD decides that the tongs are too dirty for him to use to pick up the cookies. So, he uses his hands to pick through the cookies until he gets to one he likes. Once he grabs a cookie, he tastes it and decides it is not homemade but store bought; Pepperidge Farm to be exact.

After seeing LD pick through the cookies with his hands, the clerk says, “I see you went for the big ones, Mr. Dancer…Just if I may, We ask that people use the tongs when selecting their cookies.”

LD tells the clerk that the purpose of the tongs is not “for picking up cookies” and that he would like to know who made him the chief over the cookie jurisdiction.

Stunned by LD’s pettiness, the clerk tells him that the cookie jurisdiction is within the lobby and he is over any and every thing in the lobby.

LD tells him he doesn’t believe he’s really over the cookie jurisdiction and that he needs to find some cookies that are homemade and not store bought.

After giving the clerk a lesson on how the cookie jurisdiction should be ran, LD headed on out, on his way home.

Once there, he locks all of the doors and windows and tells Leon not to use the doors because he’s still worried about the fatwa.

Leon looks at LD like he’s gone crazy and tells him this much. Leon says, “They call this shit over-reacting.”

Leon tells LD that his biggest concern should not be the fatwa hit squad, but the fireplace.

Yes, Leon believes the fireplace poses the biggest threat. According to Leon, the fire place is dangerous because a Santa Clause like figure can come down the chimney and kill LD.

Why a Santa Claus figure would want to waste his time coming down LD’s chimney to kill him? I don’t know. Leon, though, believes it is worth being more concerned about than the living and breathing fatwa hit squad that the Ayatollah has put out on LD.

While LD and Leon fuss over the lock doors and chimneys, Funkhouser and his multi-talented nephew, Kenny, show up.

Funkhouser tells LD and Leon about Kenny, “The jewel of the Funkhouser family. Straight A student. Member of 6 clubs in high school, runs them all...One of a kind.”

Leon tells the kid he’s doing too much and he should cut back. Funkhouser and Kenny don’t agree.

They think Leon is just being a hater, which Leon denies being. Kenny, however, proves Leon’s point after they all make it into the kitchen where their testerone kicks in while they take part in the “Who’s the strongest man” contest.

The “Who’s the strongest man” contest involves opening a pickle jar. Neither Leon or LD can open the jar.

And Kenny, being the multi-talented teenage boy he is, snatches the pickle jar from LD. Funkhouser tells the little fella, “Here, give it to the big Funk.”

But being the big, little Funk fella he is, Kenny decides it’s best if he opens the jar. So he says to his Uncle Marty, “No, little Funk’s got it.”

While trying to open the pickle jar, Kenny breaks his pitching arm. Funkhouser is mad as hell and LD and Leon are standing there with the look of, “Welp, we told ya.”

Leon yells to little Funk, “You trying to do too much, valedictorian and now you want to be pickle boy. You doing too much.”

After Kenny and Funkhouser leave, LD reminds Leon that they already have an open pickle jar in the refrigerator. Hm.

LD decides he better get back to working on how to end this whole fatwa business. So, he does what any desperate man in his shit-uation would do. He begins thinking about who can protect him.

LD tells Leon he needs Pinkerton like security. And y’all remember the Pinkertons. They’re the ones who protected President Abraham Lincoln during the Civil War. Leon convinces LD that what he really needs is Pinkerton like Security without the Pinkerton price.

Yep, Leon gets LD some security. Or in this case, a security man named Swat.

Knowing that anyone Leon gets won’t be grade A, LD decides he better get up and find himself someone he knows can help him out.

And that someone is non-other than Shara, who is the anti-Semantic Palestinian Fried Chicken Restaurant owner.

LD rolls up on Shara’s place of business, dressed as Buck Dancer. Shara sees LD and says to him, “You’re in trouble Larry…I like that, hides the Jew. What are you doing here Larry? Huh?”

Before giving her a simple “yes” or “no” answer, LD goes into this whole spill about not knowing any Muslims in the entertainment industry or any that may go to a Jewish deli.

Tired by his ramblings, Shara yells at LD, “Do you need my help Larry?” To this, he answers “yes” and asked if she knows of anyone who would be of service to him.

Shara tells LD she knows several folks who may be willing to help out and one person, the Consul of Iran, she gets him the hook up to.

What is that you ask? What is Shara’s reward for all of this? Welp, LD decides to take her to the “mountaintop.”

While on their way up to the “mountaintop,” Shara tells LD: “Fuck me, you Godless fuck. You infidel fucking Jew.”

LD tells her to “try and keep it Kosher;” which she doesn’t do. Instead, Shara heats up her anti-Semantic dirty talk with, “You fatwa fucking bastard, huh?...Talk dirty to me Larry. Blast into me like you blast into the nation of Islam.”

LD’s idea of dirty talk is to scream out every 2016 political villain name from Donald Trump, Kellyanne Conway, to Rudy Giuliani.

This, however, is not doing it for Shara. It’s taking her too long to make it to the top of the mountain.

So, she gives LD a little push in order to help him to push her on up: “Rougher Larry rougher. Sentence me to an orgasm like you’ve been sentence to death.”

Shara then takes her hands and begins choking LD who screams out, “fatwa, fatwa, fatwa.”

This rocket propels Shara to the top of the mountain and sends Swat rushing into the room, yanking Shara off of LD just as she’s reaching the apex.

Unfortunately for LD, this whole scene with Swat is going to repeat itself. The stage has been set. And it’s been set by that whole pickle jar incident with little Kenny.

According to Funkhouser, little Kenny’s life is ruin because his happy time arm is in a cast. Funkhouser says to LD, “I don’t even know him anymore. I’m scared the death of him. He can’t masturbate. He can’t make it come out.”

LD empathizes with the kid and decides that he’ll help him out. Dressed as Buck Dancer again, LD goes back to the hotel looking for the hooker.

In order to get in without being noticed as Buck Dancer, LD takes the jar of pickles that did Kenny in and Leon along with him.

The distraction works. Leon goes into the lobby and tells folks he can’t open the jar of pickles.

All of the men, including the clerk, come running, trying to prove their man hood by opening the jar of pickles.

The battle over who can open the pickle jar allows LD to sneak off to the bar where he sees that the hooker has taken his advice.

The hooker tells LD that she has gotten more clients and money. LD lets the hooker know that he will like to add young Kenny to that list of clients.

LD tells the hooker about Kenny’s condition and she agrees to help out. While talking with the hooker, LD sees Cheryl and Ted making their way to a room.

Oh, before I forget, Ted and Mary are separated and Ted asked LD if he could date Cheryl. LD said yes. Soooo, yeah.

However, once LD sees Ted and Cheryl heading up to a room, he regrets telling Ted he can date his ex-wife because dating LD’s ex-wife includes “dating-type” activities.

Unable to handle the images of Ted and Cheryl doing “dating-type” things together, LD quickly gets up and tells the hooker he has to go.

As LD is getting ready to approach Ted and Cheryl, his attention is diverted towards the “Who’s the strongest man” contest. Unable to control his own urge to prove he can open the pickle jar, LD runs over and grabs the jar and opens it.

The clerk, who banned LD from the hotel, sees him and calls security over to throw LD out. But, not all hope is lost. LD did get the hooker for Kenny. And despite Swat throwing Shara out of the house, she did manage to get LD a meeting with the Consul of Iran. Yep, everything is looking good until all forces converge at LD’s home.

The Consul agrees to do a video conference with LD. It goes good at first. LD and the Consul talk about the health hazards associated with using tongs to pick up cookies.

The Consul tells LD that he is a “huge fan” of Seinfeld and that he has watched every episode.

The Counsul’s favorite episode is the “Puppy Shirt” and he loves the “Close Talker.”

The two laugh and the Consul tells LD that he can help him get out of the pickle he’s in with the fatwa hit squad.

Yep, everything is looking good for ol’ LD until Kenny, who’s upstairs with the hooker, gets ready to reach his peak.

Unbeknownst to the hooker and little Kenny, reaching a climax of any kind is forbidden while Swat the security man is in the house.

Any moaning or groaning that Swat hears is a call for help. That’s why after Swat heard Kenny going higher and higher, Swat went busting into the room, running the hooker and Kenny up out of there.

The hooker and Kenny went running down the stairs with Kenny crying out to his uncle Marty to save him.

LD turns around and sees the commotion. He tries covering the computer screen with his hands but that doesn’t help.

The audio is on and the Consul hears Leon say this, “No Swat, Swat, not her, not her, just get rid of the Muslims!”

A frown comes across the Consul’s face. He quickly ends the video conference by closing his laptop; ensuring that LD remains, for some time, in the same pickle he was in with the fatwa hit squad.




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