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Tweet of God about his new book
Aslan has a new book out titled God: A Human History. The book is about how humans have created God in their image.
Yeah, I know. It suppose to be the other way around. But hey, Aslan is not big on following the rules when it comes to religion.
And if y’all stop and think about it, the Bible is like a compilation of short stories, gathered over time, of various folks telling their stories about God.
That’s why there’s a King James Version and not several updated editions with God being the only author. Kind of weird, huh?
Everybody is talking about how God created life and His philosophy of life, but He never tells us lowly humans how He arrived at His final conclusions.
It’s like other folks telling us about Renee Descartes’ dualism theory or Isaac Newton’s three laws of physics without either of them ever telling us how they arrived at their conclusions.
Aslan realizes all of this. He knows that what’s really going on is that man has created the Almighty in his image.
Hell, it’s most likely one of the main reasons why God has anger management issues! God be like, “These blasphemers are trying to be Me by making Me them! They’re all going to hell with diesel gasoline drawers on!”
And yes, that includes Aslan as well. The Tweet of God tweeted to Aslan,“-you’re an atheist and you’re going to hell."
The good news for Aslan is that he won’t be in hell by himself. He’ll have plenty of company, billions, to be exact.
The bad news is that, welp, he’ll be in hell. The other humans aren’t doing any better of a job making sure they stay out of hell, either.
They are busy driving up His divine blood pressure, causing God to have that whole wrath thing; most likely leading Him to not want to open the pearly gates up to anyone.
Aslan asked The Tweet of God about this, “Reading the Bible, one can’t help but notice that sometimes you can really hold a grudge. What’s up with that?”
The Tweet of God told Aslan that “what’s up with that” is He has “wrath-management issues” and He is “seeking evaluation and treatment.”
In fact, The Tweet of God’s “wrath-management issues” are so bad that he refuses to “further comment at this time” about his anger management issues.
I understand why Tweet God has anger management issues. Hell, that whole flood with Noah thing was just God’s attempt at trying to get rid of all of those bad humans so that he could move forward with a better brand.
And that didn’t work out! Humans are still doing dumb shit and killing each other. They’re just a bad creation.
I mean, humans are so bad that they don’t even top The Tweet of God’s list of favorite things; which, according to The Tweet of God, are “raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens.”
Yep, God’s creation that led to Him kicking His favorite and most beautiful child, Lucifer Morningstar, out of Heaven is not one of His favorite things. Humans have really messed up.
The good news for The Tweet of God is that He doesn’t have to do anything to fix this "human problem." All He has to do is sit in his cloud mansion, tweet, and watch His creation destroy themselves.
And once His creation self-implodes, He can start anew. Hopefully, this time with a better group that is not made in His image. Ha, I know. It’s crazy right?!
Y’all go on and read some of the tweet chat between The Tweet of God and Reza Aslan.
Looking forward to it Aslan, you Narnian-named nonbeliever!— God (@TheTweetOfGod) November 6, 2017
(I joke Reza, but seriously you're an atheist and you're going to hell.) https://t.co/8Hgc92bvvg
Great question! Like My avatar: an old white guy with a beard. https://t.co/87xowLSypB— God (@TheTweetOfGod) November 7, 2017
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