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The doctors never should have
called the state on the mother
who ate a poppy seed filled bagel
by Nathan'ette Burdine: August 19, 2018
 


Everybody knows that all you need to do is take a bite from a poppy seed bagel and you will test positive for opiates.

The research that’s out there says that all it takes is a teaspoon, which is 1200 nanograms per milliliters, in order for a person to test positive for that drug that had Moses talking to a burning bush.

That’s why when a person who test positive for opiates says, “Hey, I had some poppy seeds this morning,” folks with good common sense run the test again to see if the person is one of those psychedelic fans who loves looking at the bright rainbow colors they see after shooting up with opiates or is just a soccer mom who loves eating a poppy seed filled bagel early in the morning.

Elizabeth Eden is a soccer mom who just loves eating a poppy seed filled bagel early in the morning.

Eden loves her poppy seed filled bagel so much so that she had to have one the morning that she brought a new life into this world.

While Eden was in the hospital bed writhe with pain that went all the way down to her toenails, the doctor came in and told her, “You’ve tested positive for opiates.”

Counting 1, 2, 3 and doing all of those breathing hee, hee, hee, hoo, hoo, hoo, hee, hee, hees, Eden managed to tell the doctor that she had eaten a poppy seed filled bagel that morning. “I said, ‘Well, can you test me again? And I ate a poppy seed bagel this morning for breakfast,’” is what the expectant mother at that time told the not so good doctor.

And being the not so good doctor that he/she is , the doctor said with a stoic, expression less face, “No, you’ve been reported to the state.”

Y’all stop for a moment…and just think about how low this good for nothing doctor is.

Here this joka walks into the hospital room, with this pregnant woman who has here legs spread apart, propped up, all of her good ‘n’ plenty is showing because she’s about to bring life into the world, and this nasty, no good, half a cent quack tells her she’s being reported to the state because she’s tested positive for opiates.

Shit like that will make a person grab that piss pan and that IV tube and beat the hell out of that quack doctor with.

Being the good God fearing Christian woman she is, Eden didn’t do any of that.

She did the Christian thing and went through the process. A process which, by the way, included the new mother being separated from her new born daughter for five days and assigned a case worker.

They assigned a case worker to a soccer mom who had just eaten poppy seed filled bagel.

I mean the woman didn’t have no crack, no cocaine, no meth, no heroin, none of that. She just ate a bagel.

They gave her the PR, “Poverty Row,” treatment over a poppy seed filled bagel.

That’s what they did, now. After getting shamed and talked about, the folks over at St. Joseph Medical Center in Maryland decided they better get the head of the OB/GYN department to run that test again.

Dr. Judith Rossiter-Pratt , who is over the OB/GYN department, came in with her little charts and graphs; explaining why they didn’t know what everybody else knows; which is a bite from a bagel can fuck up your drug testing.

Come to find out, this hospital is just backwards and outdated. The hospital’s barometer for testing for opiates is 300 nanograms per milliliters.

And that there is lower than the 1200 nanograms per milliliters needed in order for a test to come back as a false positive.

Hell, that 300 nanogram per milliliters amount is even lower than the 2000 nanogram per milliliters amount that the federal government has set in order to identify opiate loving druggies.

To add insult to injury, the chief over the OB/GYN department told folks they have a lower amount than what is recommended by the researchers and the federal government because it helps them to identify more folks who are using drugs.

The folks over at WBAL TV-11 quoted the chief over the OB/GYN department at St. Joseph Medical Center in Maryland as saying, “What you can see on this graph is that if you set the bar here, you would only identify true positives, but you would also miss quite a few individuals who did use drugs and were considered screened negative.”

Here she is saying they’ve lowered the bar in order to identify more druggies.

What she fails to realize is that lowering the bar places folks in a group they shouldn’t be in.

Y’all know, folks like soccer moms who love eating poppy seed filled bagels in the morning before they give birth.

A soccer mom who isn’t using meth, crack, cocaine, or heroine doesn’t have any business being labeled a druggie. That’s just wrong.

Those folks who are true druggies work hard for that title and shouldn’t have to compete with folks who are not really members of their druggie group.

People work hard for their group memberships, no matter how fucked up it may be.

And here the chief quack is using bad data to throw people into a group they shouldn’t be in just so the hospital can keep getting federal, state, and local money to run their little tests or do whatever it is they’re doing with the people’s money.




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