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 News Archive 2017

UCLA players would've been caned if they had stolen anything in Singapore
by Nathan'ette Burdine: November 21, 2017

The three UCLA players need to raise their hands and say “Thank You Lawd” that they weren’t in Singapore when they did all of that stealing.

Unlike China, Singapore sentences its thieves to jail and canning. Back in 1994, a young fella by the name of Michael P. Fay got himself thrown in jail for four months and four strokes on his behind for vandalizing property and stealing.

Fay, of course, tried to play it all off and say that good butt whuppin’ didn’t hurt. But, we all saw it. And let me tell y’all, he was shaking like bacon and crying like a little mitch.

Those hits on Fay’s ass caused him to haul tail it away from Singapore to the U.S. of A. From what I’ve heard, Fay has been living in Ohio ever since and hasn’t been back to Singapore.

And I imagine not, jail time plus an ass whuppin’ will get all of that hell right up on out of you.

Luckily for Cody Riley, Angelo Ball, and Jalen Hill they didn’t do their wrong in Singapore; because if they did, they would’ve gotten an ass whuppin’ and jail time.

And yes, Singapore is still giving out ass whuppin’s to those who break their laws. Just ask that Swiss fella who got caught painting graffiti.

A 32-year-old fella name Oliver Fricker plead guilty to vandalism and trespassing. He was given five months in jail and three hits on his behind.

Like Fricker and Fay, the three UCLA players admitted to doing wrong. Riley, Ball, and Hill got caught stealing from a Luis Vuitton store in China and then admitted that they were stealing from the Luis Vuitton store in China.

During their press conference last week, all three admitted to being thieves while also thanking the Chinese police and government for being nice to them and President Donald Trump and the U.S. government for helping them to get out of China.

Cody Riley was the first to speak. He told everybody, “I want to thank the Chinese police and the government for taking care of us and treating us well during our time there. To President Trump and the United States government, thank you for taking the time to intervene on our behalf.”

Angelo Ball was next in line to say just how sorry he is. Ball told folks that he is “sorry for stealing from the stores in China” and that he didn’t use his “best judgement” and was therefore “wrong for that.”

After telling folks about how “wrong for that” he is, Ball thanked the Chinese police, the Chinese government, Donald Trump, and the U.S. government.

Ball read from his piece of paper, “I have the upmost respect for the Chinese police department as well. And I will like to thank them for treating me so respectfully, even after I made a stupid decision…I also like to thank President Trump and the United States government for the help that they provided as well.” Ball ended by saying he was happy to be home, back in the U.S. of A, and that he will “never make a mistake like this again.”

Last in the press line-up was Jalen Hill. Hill told everybody that he is “sorry for shoplifting” and that he committed a very “stupid” act. Stupid, yes, and lucky he and his stealing buddies are.

Hill and his cohorts were facing 10-years in a Chinese prison; which Trump tweet reminded them about when he told them to thank him for getting them out of China. Hill, like the other two, did just that. He thanked ol’ Trump and the Chinese government.

Hill read from his paper, “Thank you to the police department who treated us very well…and thank you to the United States government and President Trump for your efforts to bring us home.”

And oh yeah, before I forget, Hill also did what so many like him do when they go to jail. He ran into God’s arms. Hill let everybody know this about his newfound relationship with God, “I’ve also strengthen my relationship with God at this time, without Him, I will not be nothing.” It ain’t nothing like hell to make you want to run to the Father.

Luckily for those three, they did their wrong in China and not Singapore.

If they had been in Singapore, they would’ve suffered the same fate that Fay and Fricker suffered.

Riley, Ball, and Hill would’ve been sitting in a jail, waiting to have their hides caned.

Therefore, Riley, Ball, and Hill need to raise their hands to say thank you to not only Chinese President Xi Jinping, the Chinese police department, President Donald Trump and the U.S. government but to the good Lawd Himself.

Because if it hadn’t been for the good Lawd making sure they were in the right country when they committed their sin of stealing, the chances of them getting an ol’ fashion ass whuppin’ would’ve been far greater if they were in Singapore.

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